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As Dominic Cummings goes into self-isolation, doctors agree that about five years should do it.
BREAKING: Scientists announce with 70% certainty that today is Monday, and that current weather conditions place us somewhere between March and June.
BBC to run special edition of MOTD on Saturday, showing highlights of this week’s spectacular own goals by Mike Ashley and Tim Martin.
BREAKING: Donald Trump’s various trade wars finally pay off as US strikes lucrative deal to become world’s main importer of coronavirus.
As the government prepares to make coronavirus testing kits available on the high street, people who’ve spent the last two weeks punching each other in the head over spaghetti say what could possibly go wrong?
As the government registers 400k potential NHS volunteers in 24hrs, some wonder why it takes the DWP eight weeks to process one housing benefit claim.
As the government gives lucrative ventilator contracts to Brexit-backing Tory donors such as Dyson and JCB, some suspect an outbreak of cronyvirus.
BREAKING: No 10 confirms criteria for receiving instant coronavirus test. - Must be aged 70 or above. - You are self-isolating in a castle. - One of your parents is the Queen.
As police disperse party of 20 having street BBQ in Coventry, there are calls for government to change strategy from lockdown to lock up.
After Netflix lowers broadcast quality to help reduce demand on internet service providers, ITV2 says it started doing this years ago.
After he claims the US will have overcome COVID-19 by Easter, scientists suggest Donald Trump has socially distanced himself from reality.
Labour confident its leadership conference will still go ahead, after the government only bans social gatherings of more than two people.
As Sports Direct reluctantly agrees to close after all, UK wonders how it will cope without Donnay golf umbrellas and a 4ft coffee mug.
After Boris Johnson issues more self-isolation guidance, experts suggest he tries socially distancing himself from Dominic Cummings.
As Japan considers postponing the Olympics, fans are advised they can still watch Greco-Roman wrestling in their local Asda bakery aisle.
As Dominic Raab is named stand-in PM if Boris Johnson is incapacitated, experts say if that doesn’t encourage people to stay indoors then nothing will.
BREAKING: Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus. UPDATE: Coronavirus confirms it is self-isolating.
BREAKING: 2020 declared null and void. 2021 to commence with immediate effect.
The Queen confirms she will start self-isolating at Windsor immediately, and the fact that Prince Andrew just pulled into the drive has nothing to do with it.
Supermarkets begin rationing toilet roll to panic buyers, in the same way God rationed brain cells when they were born.